Having just been focused on the Southern consciousness of expansiveness for 20 mins or so, doing spontaneous taichi-like movements, I was complete and bid farewell as my body rotated a quarter turn towards the Southeast.
Leaning into this region with my knee facing forward, my hands and wrists flowing outward into the Southeast, the energy seemed so quiet compared to the vastness of perspective I had just come from. My heart throbbed heavily, and its loving energy was awakened as my hands passed in front of it towards this place.
As I focused on my heart, a divine being seemed to rise from the Southeastern horizon. It was a woman, or womanly energy – flowing, succulent, beautiful and yet somehow formless or at least ever changing in form.
Tears of sadness seemed to press on my eyes for escape as I communed with this precious energy that so completed me. The divinely feminine energy responded and embraced every energy I projected, sending back loving energy and support. My heart opened further.
Suddenly, the femininity I worshiped in this place seemed less personal. I could truly see it as an extension of myself and less as some female form “out there.”
Then the thought occurred to me, “What If I were a fully feminine-embodied woman communing with the Southeast? Would I not surely be in communion with divinely masculine energy?” Then my higher mind responded, its thoughts pervading the atmosphere with complete presence like a booming microphone from every atom in my vicinity.
“This is the place of Male/Female Balance.”
Ahhhhhhh….. a great exhale of relief as my conscious outer mind released in the presence of such a powerful thought, my body seemingly naked and alone as I danced in the night without a thought of my own. Body, heart, sky, mountain, breeze, moon, movement – all elements were just together in peace and at the time I had no thoughts to describe any of it.
Male and female balance. Yes. The mind activated again, now riding on the guidance of this place. I reflected on my current relationship at the time – its dysfunctions and the imbalanced energy that emerged from both parties when together. I reflected on all my past relationships, and how when I was presented with divinely feminine counterparts I was unable to love and embrace them in the divinely masculine way that filled them best. Every face that I ever loved and worshiped was suddenly passing before me all with glassy eyes and open hearts, searching mine – all seemingly asking:
“Why couldn’t this love last? Why couldn’t this love last? Why couldn’t this love last?” My answer was different for every face.
When the faces of lovers had passed, then they started again from the beginning. The eyes were happier, the hearts lighter. The question now seemed to come less from them as from a deeper part of me:
“How is this person’s love still blessing my life? How is this person’s love still blessing my life? How is this person’s love still blessing my life?” My answer was different for every face, and I was filled with joy ever more with each response.
When the last face passed, a single thought occurred: “How is my love still blessing the destinies and circles of their life? Of her life? Of her life?”
I couldn’t know or fathom the answer to “How.” So the question rephrased itself: “Is my love still blessing their life?” Affirmatively, a smile drew upon one side of my closed mouth, breathing more deeply and relaxed now as I reached out with my knee leaning toward the horizon as though I could reach and bring it closer with every swoop of my hands.
Then all the ways I may have hurt them, always on the back of my mind before, but now directly at the forefront were presented and embraced with compassion. Most importantly, the ways that I had run away from painful or hard times, seeing from this perspective how that situation could have been overcome, and how much more love would have been on the other side of distress.
And now the past seemed clear. There was peace. And yet my work with the Southeastern Male/Female balance was not yet complete.
The present, the future.
“What kind of masculine qualities can I bring?”
“How can I invite the divine feminine more into my life? How will I bless and sustain her when she does?”
These two questions shaped my inner life for the next half-decade. I was determined, not to run away, but to be still and bring what has to be brought until one of two things finally happen: the one I am with changes inside, or the one I am with changes naturally on its own. I resolved then and there that I wouldn’t be the one to “try” and make this happen. Everyday I took the time to retreat into my inner female goddess, and she carried me through the hard times. She embraced me when the one before me could not, and after many years and a direct visit through inner ritual, everything in my life rearranged itself according to this new inner reality.