One brisk dusky nightfall about 4 years ago, I experienced a transfixion with the horizon. And took the time to follow it, taking advantage of an empty house to pursue the inner adventure, the inner communion with cosmic nature.

Standing straight, cool air on my screened in porch, sky now completely dark. I stood straight, facing the western horizon.

My body started to make spontaneous taichi movements, as though I were communing with the western mountains themselves, the setting sun directly in its orange trails setting upon a distant land over the hump of the earth’s great tortoise shell.

My movements seemed to somehow pierce and play into the energy of this region, and move in tune with them like a flowing human instrument.

Senses heightened. Entering higher awareness.

“This is the place of devotion.”

Fixated west, I visualized all that I was devoted to, as well as where in my life the spirit, and the virtue of devotion needed work. I, as a small human, looked upon the eyes of the great parent deity “out there” with love and the desire to serve and the desire to be supported in “my” highest vision. In a timeless space, 15-20 minutes later perhaps – maybe more – when I felt complete, it was time to turn 45 degrees to the Southwest.

Knowing not what I was facing, but knowing something would come, my movements slowly greeted the Southwest, in my 45 degree rotation counter-clockwise and bid goodbye to the dark yet illuminated Western summits of Devotion and Vision.

Streams arising from the Southwest now, and moving with its energy – I felt angry, and shameful and forceful. Intensely focused, as though my hidden opponent were “out there” somewhere, the Southwest reflected in me, the need for my own inner warrior.

“Tenacity.”

The inner mind radiated a single thought, the depth of which seems to fill the whole landscape upon which I stand.

Tenacity. My conscious mind echoed, body following the rigid and strong movements that can move mountains, that dig into the earth and do not budge in the ever-focused desire to push forward.

Push forward? I paused. The warrior evaporated into thin air. Push forward for what?

“Tenacity.  For the Truth.”

Ah-hah.  Now I had something to lodge onto.  The warrior returned, rooted in the earth, pushing forward and digging in to pierce the heart of truth in my life.

“This is the place of Veracity.

Veracity is Tenacity For Truth.”

Filled with the fire of Tenacity, and observing the places in my life that I lacked in Veracity, I allowed the Southwest to come to completion and turned toward the South.  Almost immediately, my perspectives on things changed.

Still continuing the spontaneous, taichi-like movements, my awareness was no longer just limited to my body, or even my screened in porch.  Rather, it flowed outward on the gently respirating breeze – like wafting incense taking larger swaths the farther from its source.

My arms spread wide, feet rooted deeply in a wider stance, my awareness encompassed the block that I lived, then my entire neighborhood, then further and further in ever wider circles.  The energy of the South was like playing with Google Earth.  I could see so much at once.

The context of my exploration shifted to my life.  My accomplishments were no longer just my own, they rippled outward and affected everyone around me for good or ill.  It was overwhelming.  It seemed there was no way to predict how things would land in every direction, like dropping marbles down a pinball chute and watching them collide and disperse.  So did my energy disperse into the lives of others with every interaction.

And their energy fueled my existence as well.  The shirt on my back, the plumbing under the city, the food on my table – all the unseen hands that had brought all of these blessing into my life were acknowledged and thanked by the energy of the Southern realm.

Then the context of expansive perspectives shifted to the realm of data analysis and statistics.  Millions of bytes of data, millions of experiences of people, the lifestream of humanity all compiled into charts and graphs, growing in 2 dimensional planes like crystalline structures- showing trends, trends that can reliably make predictions about the future within a certain range of error.

The graph lines pulsed and grew and breathed in upward and downward trends over time, spread across grids depicting variables unseen.  The power that was held here, the sheer breadth of human experience that was represented here, and the potential for improving human life was vast.

“This is the place of Expansiveness.”

Expansiveness.  I thought of all the places in my life where my awareness lacked in expansiveness, like driving in traffic upset, not seeing the accident at the end of the road, nor the suffering of its inhabitants nor the service of the emergency crews.

Expansiveness.  I thought of the ways that I could estimate all the data on my life into these kinds of charts and graphs, way more advanced than the slow mental calculator could ever achieve.   If only I could consciously live in this place of instantaneous calculation and analysis.

For 20 more minutes, my body continued to move, as though my hands themselves were as large as several states on the map of the U.S. –  and the place of expansiveness slowly came to completion.

Having just been focused on the Southern consciousness of expansiveness for 20 mins or so, doing spontaneous taichi-like movements, I was complete and bid farewell as my body rotated a quarter turn towards the Southeast.

Leaning into this region with my knee facing forward, my hands and wrists flowing outward into the Southeast, the energy seemed so quiet compared to the vastness of perspective I had just come from. My heart throbbed heavily, and its loving energy was awakened as my hands passed in front of it towards this place.

As I focused on my heart, a divine being seemed to rise from the Southeastern horizon. It was a woman, or womanly energy – flowing, succulent, beautiful and yet somehow formless or at least ever changing in form.

Tears of sadness seemed to press on my eyes for escape as I communed with this precious energy that so completed me. The divinely feminine energy responded and embraced every energy I projected, sending back loving energy and support. My heart opened further.

Suddenly, the femininity I worshiped in this place seemed less personal. I could truly see it as an extension of myself and less as some female form “out there.”

Then the thought occurred to me, “What If I were a fully feminine-embodied woman communing with the Southeast? Would I not surely be in communion with divinely masculine energy?” Then my higher mind responded, its thoughts pervading the atmosphere with complete presence like a booming microphone from every atom in my vicinity.

“This is the place of Male/Female Balance.”

Ahhhhhhh….. a great exhale of relief as my conscious outer mind released in the presence of such a powerful thought, my body seemingly naked and alone as I danced in the night without a thought of my own.  Body, heart, sky, mountain, breeze, moon, movement – all elements were just together in peace and at the time I had no thoughts to describe any of it.

Male and female balance.  Yes.  The mind activated again, now riding on the guidance of this place.  I reflected on my current relationship at the time – its dysfunctions and the imbalanced energy that emerged from both parties when together.  I reflected on all my past relationships, and how when I was presented with divinely feminine counterparts I was unable to love and embrace them in the divinely masculine way that filled them best.  Every face that I ever loved and worshiped was suddenly passing before me all with glassy eyes and open hearts, searching mine – all seemingly asking:

“Why couldn’t this love last?  Why couldn’t this love last?  Why couldn’t this love last?”  My answer was different for every face.

When the faces of lovers had passed, then they started again from the beginning.  The eyes were happier, the hearts lighter.  The question now seemed to come less from them as from a deeper part of me:

“How is this person’s love still blessing my life?  How is this person’s love still blessing my life?  How is this person’s love still blessing my life?”  My answer was different for every face, and I was filled with joy ever more with each response.

When the last face passed, a single thought occurred:  “How is my love still blessing the destinies and circles of their life?  Of her life?  Of her life?”

I couldn’t know or fathom the answer to “How.”  So the question rephrased itself:  “Is my love still blessing their life?”  Affirmatively, a smile drew upon one side of my closed mouth, breathing more deeply and relaxed now as I reached out with my knee leaning toward the horizon as though I could reach and bring it closer with every swoop of my hands.

Then all the ways I may have hurt them, always on the back of my mind before, but now directly at the forefront were presented and embraced with compassion.  Most importantly, the ways that I had run away from painful or hard times, seeing from this perspective how that situation could have been overcome, and how much more love would have been on the other side of distress.

And now the past seemed clear.  There was peace.  And yet my work with the Southeastern Male/Female balance was not yet complete.

The present, the future.

“What kind of masculine qualities can I bring?”

“How can I invite the divine feminine more into my life?  How will I bless and sustain her when she does?”

These two questions shaped my inner life for the next half-decade.  I was determined, not to run away, but to be still and bring what has to be brought until one of two things finally happen:  the one I am with changes inside, or the one I am with changes naturally on its own.  I resolved then and there that I wouldn’t be the one to “try” and make this happen.  Everyday I took the time to retreat into my inner female goddess, and she carried me through the hard times.  She embraced me when the one before me could not, and after many years and a direct visit through inner ritual, everything in my life rearranged itself according to this new inner reality.